How did I get here?

Growing up I was always an active child. I
played basketball...was on a swim team for a number of years...I was always
doing something. In always indulging in such activities I found my weight and
physique were always very athletic....but there were always those healthier and
thinner. My mother cooked dinner every night and we ate as a family at the
table. They were always well balanced meals and servings were of normal size.
No supersizing! We didn't drink soda...we went out to eat for only special
occasions...not just because the hour was late and it was easier to pick up
fast food.



The first time I was called "fat" I sixteen years old and playing for
the varsity basketball team in Cooper City Florida. I weighed 130 pounds. Of
course it was cruel and I knew they were wrong but it stuck with me. So did
this incident start the evil spiral that would ensue? It is hard to say but I
am sure it didn't help my self esteem at all.



College time rolled around and I attended my freshmen year at Indiana
University. My diet habits were becoming less than perfect at this point.
Eating things to be quick and give extra energy to study. I could see the
weight slowly creeping on...the freshmen 15...20 ...25. It was happening to
everyone around me and so I suppose it was hard to differentiate where I was
going wrong. I had been dating the same guy since i was 17 yrs old. Not saying
that he had a factor in it...but he was gaining too and seemed to have no
interest in losing with me. He saw it in my faults but not his. I even remember
him telling me his college friends said I was becoming really" fat" .




We eventually married and the problem of my eating continued to escalate. I was
so down on myself...eating seemed to be the only time I felt good. If I ate
that extra slice of pizza or piece of cake I had a moment of peace...no matter
how fleeting. I had gone to school to become a nurse and loved my work. But my
marriage was becoming more and more like two roommates living together...a
comfort if you will. He started a business and our time together continued to
dwindle.



I worked to support him and fell deeper and deeper into a depression. I felt
numb. I could barely bring myself to go to work let alone pay bills and keep
our place up. He never helped...only yelled and made me feel worse. He had no
idea how to be supportive. I eventually left him for 6 months. I had never felt
so alive! I started losing weight...but he begged me back and I finally
yielded. Only to fall right back into the same rut.



My only saving grace through it all was my best friend Josh. Through thick and
thin he was my rock and have no idea how I would have made it through. He
listens and gives me feedback...not always what I want to hear...but what I
need to hear. I love you man!



I finally divorced my husband in 2003. I moved to Louisville and ended up
marrying again a wonderful man names James. We will have been married 7 yrs in
October. He is extremely supportive and willing to help me in any way. I just
don't always know where I need the help.



So I have a good job...I have a wonderful husband...I have a fantastic support
system... So then what has made me continue to gain weight over the years until
I am now 348? and I am looking to weight watchers to help me in my quest to be
the lean athletic woman I know has been in there just dying to come out. I just
need to break down the wall and figure out just what has led me here and what
will prevent it from happening again.



I want this more than anything!