Have you ever been to the fair and entered the "House of Mirrors"? With every turn you catch a different glimpse of yourself...however abstract or accurate it may be. For me every mirror feels like that...my body awkwardly shaped with curves in all the wrong places...what I see and what others see when they look at me have probably been vastly different. They saw the truth and I didn't.. Why? Because I have been lying to myself.
How have I accomplished such a feat you ask? By being the funny one who can laugh at herself and then cry when others aren't looking, by buying clothes that have hidden my countless imperfections...by hiding my size from everyone ...even my husband...by looking at other heavy people and having the indecency to actually compare our bodies and then somehow decide that I was smaller. Like it was some sort of prize to cherish. I suppose if I took the spotlight off of myself I found it easier to cope...or at least hide the truth once again from myself.
I am taking photos now of this journey to my healthier me...and measurements. I can no longer hide nor do I want to. This blog is not only the scariest thing I have ever done, but the bravest..because I'm naked for all of you to see. Open to the comments and possible ridicule. With every word I write I feel a stronger...more able to handle what happens next. I know that it is ok to look in the mirror...I may not like what I see right now..but I do know that someday I will. Someday I will look at myself in the mirror and say,"Wow she is beautiful!" and I will mean it.
It's easy to not look in the mirror and its easy to convince yourself that you don't look like those other people because we are protecting ourselves from hurt. Sometimes in can be so painful we choose to push it out of our mind as if it didn't happen or doesn't exist. The important thing is that you are facing it now head on and sure you might get hurt a time or two but you are strong and will get back up again and keep going. If you can't I will lend you a hand up and walk beside you. We can do this!
ReplyDeleteMy dad always said, "The brave are not the ones who jump into the battle without fear, the brave are the ones who are the most frightened...and jump into battle anyway." You are so brave to share with us. Imagine some of your favorite book heroines are rooting for you as are your friends!
ReplyDeleteYour dad sounds like a very wise man! And your idea is wonderful...like Jo March or Elizabeth Bennett being two of my favorites are in my corner cheering away!
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