The me no one can see

There is the inner me. She is young. She is BURSTING with energy! She wants to rule the world! She wants to climb mountains and run marathons. She wants to run circles around you. She wants to be thin. When she is thin....she will be pretty.  SHE WANTS TO BE SET FREE!!!! Free of the body-----this weight-----The shame--- So I finally reached my breaking point....May 2012. I knew I needed help but didn't know who or better yet what to ask help for. My friend Laura talked me into going to a new group. I definitely was unsure. But I figured what could it hurt. But I was extremely nervous. What would these people think of me? Would they shy away and think" Geez what the hell is her problem?" or " did you hear what she said? She has hidden food from her husband!"  I didn't know. So on a Saturday Morning we had to be at this meeting at 8:30am.( I thought "this better be worth it!" ) The meeting was very different than I expected. Especially since I had done some detective work the day before. I felt welcomed by everyone. And I wasn't a freak!! As I heard others speak I knew they had felt and dealt with some very similar issues and that perhaps they would be able to give me insight. There are definitely some religious parts of these meetings. But I focus on the meanings: the message. My 9 months will be tomorrow. I have a sponsor I call my meal plans to every morning, I am eating NO white flour and NO sugar. I know it doesn't seem like much to someone this....but it is a milestone for me. I haven't had anything sweet...ANYTHING! for a week and I have lost almost 4 lbs since last week. I feel so positive about the path I am following. I will be asked to get up in front of the group and discuss how I have made it this far. I am proud of the me I am becoming. But this me has a LOONNNGGGGGG way to go to get to my goal. It is way to easy to talk myself out of the struggle if it seems I won't win.    Sometimes it seems unreachable.  But instead of focusing on the future. I am learning to focus only on today.  And day by day I will set my inner self free.

Freight-Trained with a HUGE dose of reality

    

My husband was just diagnosed with diabetes on Monday.... You can say we were both shocked.....but Why?? I had seen the early signs showing, had even told him about the signs I was noticing, and we both knew with hereditary it was almost a given. 

 It was almost as if we had the" It will never happen to us!" syndrome. As a nurse I feel like a failure. As if I could have stopped the inevitable. I know that isn't true.....but I could have slowed its onslaught.

    I.....well in truth "WE".. fell off the proverbial wagon as it were. I was working crazy amounts of hours and getting off late every night...So tired and who wants to start cooking at 8 or 9pm at night.....it was just so much simpler to just pick something quick. I could substantiate this unhealthy deed in my head by believing my long hours and hard work would counteract it.

     Well in hopes that we can at least prevent any further damage to his body.....(and prevent the same thing from happening to me).....We are again returning to eating healthy...we went and completed a much needed trip to the grocery. It was definitely a learning experience and a bit of a shock to the system for James since he was not used to counting carbs. Now he is picking up things and automatically scouring the labels. Spent way too much, but definitely got some great food options. I have been getting out of work earlier and we have again been taking turns cooking and are enjoying eating home cooked meals.

We also bought an accuchek meter so that we can keep an eye daily on his blood sugars. Our doctor also placed him on an oral medicine called Metformin to help lower his blood sugars. They still aren't perfect but are improving.

If At First You Don't Succeed......

     So I have been on the Weight Watchers program officially since January 27th of this year...but I didn't really start it  hardcore until Mid to late February. I had some success but not what I wanted to see. March 6th I was put in the hospital for an asthma exacerbation and walking pneumonia. While there I requested to be placed on a 1500 calorie low fat diet. I was in the hospital for 11 days and I lost 10 pounds. So after I got out of the hospital I went back to counting points and noticed my weight loss coming to a screeching HALT!
     I had been doing a great deal of walking with my chocolate lab Maxwell and decided I needed to up the exercise regimen....so I added in a very strenuous exercise routine with the help of my sister called Turbo Fire. The first week when I weighed in I wasn't concerned with no weight loss...But as the weeks kept showing little to no weight loss and even gaining weight back I began to get worried.
     I was feeling so fragile at times when I would step on that blasted scale and see no weight loss. When my family and friends would ask how much weight I had lost this week and I would tell them nothing or like last week with a weight gain it simply killed me. I was so ashamed of myself. I figured they were disappointed in me too and that hurt even more.
    So I decided I needed to look back and figure out what the hell was going wrong...what wass working and what simply was NOT helping me lose weight. I looked back at when I was losing weight and came to a realization...it was not enough for me just to watch my mgs of fat, carbs, dietary fiber, and protein as Weight Watchers does. I needed to watch my calories and limit my carbs to a specific amount a day. Weight Watchers(WW) allows you to eat all the fresh fruits and veggies you want...but fruits can have a huge amount of calories. I added up the amount of calories I had ingested in fruits over the past week and it was staggering...in one day I had taken in like 300+ calories just in fruits and 250 calories in veggies...no sauces...just the fruits and vegetables in their natural state. That's 550+ calories that WW doesn't account for...but I realized that I had to start.
     So after talking to my best friend Josh we both decided to quit WW and utilize sparkpeople.com  The Spark is a book that spells the entire program out for you if you want or you can get tips, recipes, and the website for free! So Now I will be saving $30+ a month that I can use to buy the groceries I need to eat right! And Sparkpeople has a way to adjust your daily intake levels of calories, carbs, fats and proteins...as well as anything else you want to follow such as sodium(which I started watching this week). You can also keep track of your fitness minutes. You can give yourself weekly and daily goals as well which I  really like.  In a way it is like having your own coach. I am hopeful that I am now making some great strides towards my weight loss goals!! 

It Takes Work to Stay Motivated

    Of course as stated in previous blogs I want to lose a great deal of weight...I want it so bad I can taste it and I am off to a good start... I am changing my eating habits and I have recently initiated an exercise program. It should all be easy from here on out ...right?? Not at all!
    It truthfully takes a daily renewal of the decision to continue eating right and exercising. I think I am a strong person...I mean I am a cancer survivor...so I can do anything but I feel like an addict and in a way I am...I am addicted to food. I hate that part of myself!! I know hate is a strong word but it is so true. I hate the fact that I am fat...I hate what I look like in the mirror...I hate not being able to believe compliments I receive because I don't see it in myself...and most of all I hate my weakness for getting this way in the first place!
    I am so thankful for the support system I have. If it weren't for the amazing continued support I receive I am not sure how I would keep going. It makes me feel so damned weak and very angry at myself that I even need help. I hope that someday this will all be a distant memory and I will look back on it and chuckle.
    I feel like these blogs also help keep me focused on my goals ...they have become my own personal therapy. I am often writing about things in these blogs that I have never told anyone before. I am so glad that I started. Just getting some of these topics off of my chest sure has helped me work through some difficult subjects.

I think I can ...I know I can...and I will

     I of course am NOT in good shape...It has taken years to become this way and I know getting to my weight loss goal is not going to be a quick fix. I am more than willing to put in the work... I am well aware that for any weight reduction plan to work, I need to incorporate healthier eating habits as well as an exercise plan. So as of last week, I initiated an exercise regimen. My sister Dulcie, who is a personal trainer, spoke with me at length about what type of program she would recommend for me if she were my trainer. She did a great deal of research and then told me about Turbo Fire. It is a dvd program through beachbody.com. The instructor is a fiery blond by the name of Chalene Johnson. I received the set just a couple of days ago and started it yesterday. It kicked my ass! It is a very fun workout that incorporates a great deal of martial arts moves..with music that is infectious! Even my husband is showing interest in doing the cardio workouts with me and that makes me very happy! I am also going to go for walks 3 times a week with a friend of mine...then when she is ready I am hoping she will want to do Turbo Fire with me too!
     In addition my friend Josh and I are giving each other challenges each week. This week he says we need to blog three times and we must drink eight glasses of water a day.
     Thursday is our weigh in day and I was upset that I didn't lose anything this past week. I  mean I feel better...and my clothes are fitting differently....better. I know muscle weighs more than fat...so maybe I am gaining muscle...maybe I am holding fluid from consuming too much sodium. Who knows...but I am going to lose weight this week!
    I am definitely on an uphill battle to lose 200 pounds. Sometimes it feels impossible and I get discouraged. But I discuss my fears and issues with Josh and my family and they give me the strength and encouragement I need to soldier on.    

Weathering the Storm Known as 'The Holidays'

     Why does every holiday seem to boil down to excess food being served? Whether it is a one day holiday such as Thanksgiving or an entire season like Christmas...food food food and sweets and candy! Enough already! Why does everyone automatically associate tons of food with holidays?
     I am having to relearn how I interpret family celebrations. For example, my entire adult life, our family birthdays were spent going out to restaurants with family and friends, having a hearty dinner followed by our favorite desserts. I am now trying to change the focus from food to an activity that we might enjoy. For example going to the Holcomb Planetarium at Butler University or some activity like a go-cart track!
     Something else that has also helped...I have had long talks with my family so that they are aware of what I am doing and have an idea of my new eating habits. This recently helped with Easter Dinner....My mother actually called and discussed the menu to ensure that there would be enough healthy options for me. That meant a great deal to me!
     I am aware that there will be endless holidays to endure and much more food to resist...but I am hoping that the habits I am working on now will assist me in redirecting my focus.

House of Mirrors

      Have you ever been to the fair and entered the "House of Mirrors"? With every turn you catch a different glimpse of yourself...however abstract or accurate it may be. For me every mirror feels like that...my body awkwardly shaped with curves in all the wrong places...what I see and what others see when they look at me have probably been vastly different. They saw the truth and I didn't.. Why? Because I have been lying to myself.

      How have I accomplished such a feat you ask? By being the funny one who can laugh at herself and then cry when others aren't looking, by buying clothes that have hidden my countless imperfections...by hiding my size from everyone ...even my husband...by looking at other heavy people and having the indecency to actually compare our bodies and then somehow decide that I was smaller. Like it was some sort of prize to cherish. I suppose if I took the spotlight off of myself I found it easier to cope...or at least hide the truth once again from myself.
      I am taking photos now of this journey to my healthier me...and measurements. I can no longer hide nor do I want to. This blog is not only the scariest thing I have ever done, but the bravest..because I'm naked for all of you to see. Open to the comments and possible ridicule. With every word I write I feel a stronger...more able to handle what happens next. I know that it is ok to look in the mirror...I may not like what I see right now..but I do know that someday I will. Someday I will look at myself in the mirror and say,"Wow she is beautiful!" and I will mean it.