I think I can ...I know I can...and I will

     I of course am NOT in good shape...It has taken years to become this way and I know getting to my weight loss goal is not going to be a quick fix. I am more than willing to put in the work... I am well aware that for any weight reduction plan to work, I need to incorporate healthier eating habits as well as an exercise plan. So as of last week, I initiated an exercise regimen. My sister Dulcie, who is a personal trainer, spoke with me at length about what type of program she would recommend for me if she were my trainer. She did a great deal of research and then told me about Turbo Fire. It is a dvd program through beachbody.com. The instructor is a fiery blond by the name of Chalene Johnson. I received the set just a couple of days ago and started it yesterday. It kicked my ass! It is a very fun workout that incorporates a great deal of martial arts moves..with music that is infectious! Even my husband is showing interest in doing the cardio workouts with me and that makes me very happy! I am also going to go for walks 3 times a week with a friend of mine...then when she is ready I am hoping she will want to do Turbo Fire with me too!
     In addition my friend Josh and I are giving each other challenges each week. This week he says we need to blog three times and we must drink eight glasses of water a day.
     Thursday is our weigh in day and I was upset that I didn't lose anything this past week. I  mean I feel better...and my clothes are fitting differently....better. I know muscle weighs more than fat...so maybe I am gaining muscle...maybe I am holding fluid from consuming too much sodium. Who knows...but I am going to lose weight this week!
    I am definitely on an uphill battle to lose 200 pounds. Sometimes it feels impossible and I get discouraged. But I discuss my fears and issues with Josh and my family and they give me the strength and encouragement I need to soldier on.    

Weathering the Storm Known as 'The Holidays'

     Why does every holiday seem to boil down to excess food being served? Whether it is a one day holiday such as Thanksgiving or an entire season like Christmas...food food food and sweets and candy! Enough already! Why does everyone automatically associate tons of food with holidays?
     I am having to relearn how I interpret family celebrations. For example, my entire adult life, our family birthdays were spent going out to restaurants with family and friends, having a hearty dinner followed by our favorite desserts. I am now trying to change the focus from food to an activity that we might enjoy. For example going to the Holcomb Planetarium at Butler University or some activity like a go-cart track!
     Something else that has also helped...I have had long talks with my family so that they are aware of what I am doing and have an idea of my new eating habits. This recently helped with Easter Dinner....My mother actually called and discussed the menu to ensure that there would be enough healthy options for me. That meant a great deal to me!
     I am aware that there will be endless holidays to endure and much more food to resist...but I am hoping that the habits I am working on now will assist me in redirecting my focus.

House of Mirrors

      Have you ever been to the fair and entered the "House of Mirrors"? With every turn you catch a different glimpse of yourself...however abstract or accurate it may be. For me every mirror feels like that...my body awkwardly shaped with curves in all the wrong places...what I see and what others see when they look at me have probably been vastly different. They saw the truth and I didn't.. Why? Because I have been lying to myself.

      How have I accomplished such a feat you ask? By being the funny one who can laugh at herself and then cry when others aren't looking, by buying clothes that have hidden my countless imperfections...by hiding my size from everyone ...even my husband...by looking at other heavy people and having the indecency to actually compare our bodies and then somehow decide that I was smaller. Like it was some sort of prize to cherish. I suppose if I took the spotlight off of myself I found it easier to cope...or at least hide the truth once again from myself.
      I am taking photos now of this journey to my healthier me...and measurements. I can no longer hide nor do I want to. This blog is not only the scariest thing I have ever done, but the bravest..because I'm naked for all of you to see. Open to the comments and possible ridicule. With every word I write I feel a stronger...more able to handle what happens next. I know that it is ok to look in the mirror...I may not like what I see right now..but I do know that someday I will. Someday I will look at myself in the mirror and say,"Wow she is beautiful!" and I will mean it.

How did I get here?

Growing up I was always an active child. I
played basketball...was on a swim team for a number of years...I was always
doing something. In always indulging in such activities I found my weight and
physique were always very athletic....but there were always those healthier and
thinner. My mother cooked dinner every night and we ate as a family at the
table. They were always well balanced meals and servings were of normal size.
No supersizing! We didn't drink soda...we went out to eat for only special
occasions...not just because the hour was late and it was easier to pick up
fast food.



The first time I was called "fat" I sixteen years old and playing for
the varsity basketball team in Cooper City Florida. I weighed 130 pounds. Of
course it was cruel and I knew they were wrong but it stuck with me. So did
this incident start the evil spiral that would ensue? It is hard to say but I
am sure it didn't help my self esteem at all.



College time rolled around and I attended my freshmen year at Indiana
University. My diet habits were becoming less than perfect at this point.
Eating things to be quick and give extra energy to study. I could see the
weight slowly creeping on...the freshmen 15...20 ...25. It was happening to
everyone around me and so I suppose it was hard to differentiate where I was
going wrong. I had been dating the same guy since i was 17 yrs old. Not saying
that he had a factor in it...but he was gaining too and seemed to have no
interest in losing with me. He saw it in my faults but not his. I even remember
him telling me his college friends said I was becoming really" fat" .




We eventually married and the problem of my eating continued to escalate. I was
so down on myself...eating seemed to be the only time I felt good. If I ate
that extra slice of pizza or piece of cake I had a moment of peace...no matter
how fleeting. I had gone to school to become a nurse and loved my work. But my
marriage was becoming more and more like two roommates living together...a
comfort if you will. He started a business and our time together continued to
dwindle.



I worked to support him and fell deeper and deeper into a depression. I felt
numb. I could barely bring myself to go to work let alone pay bills and keep
our place up. He never helped...only yelled and made me feel worse. He had no
idea how to be supportive. I eventually left him for 6 months. I had never felt
so alive! I started losing weight...but he begged me back and I finally
yielded. Only to fall right back into the same rut.



My only saving grace through it all was my best friend Josh. Through thick and
thin he was my rock and have no idea how I would have made it through. He
listens and gives me feedback...not always what I want to hear...but what I
need to hear. I love you man!



I finally divorced my husband in 2003. I moved to Louisville and ended up
marrying again a wonderful man names James. We will have been married 7 yrs in
October. He is extremely supportive and willing to help me in any way. I just
don't always know where I need the help.



So I have a good job...I have a wonderful husband...I have a fantastic support
system... So then what has made me continue to gain weight over the years until
I am now 348? and I am looking to weight watchers to help me in my quest to be
the lean athletic woman I know has been in there just dying to come out. I just
need to break down the wall and figure out just what has led me here and what
will prevent it from happening again.



I want this more than anything!